My emotional doppelganger, oh how I miss you.

I saw your queen Victoria sitting in a parking spot..i knocked on your door i remember feeling this excitedness to see you I remember I was secretly in love with you.. your mind... your pain.. your freedom...your moves..your thoughts.... but I would never tell you because we were too similar and I belonged to someone else. Now though, hind sight being 20/20, I wish I would have said much more than I did .... but really, what would that have done? how foolish and egotistical of me to think that if I would have told you I was inlove with who you are you would still be alive today.

You pored a can of PBR into a glass and sat back into your couch letting it swallow you. I remember wanting to stay with you as long as I could that evening, especially since I had no idea when I would see you again. You were telling me how much you hated that everyone was moving away and having kids and you felt..stagnant, stuck in a small town that you had learned how to maneuver threw with ease, especially while heavily intoxicated which was more often then not. How could you possibly mange to survive anywhere else..I could read the thoughts coming out of your eyes. I kept telling you to come visit me and we'd go to shows and dance and explore. You'd love it. You told me you were a far worse alcohoilic then I realized and you'd never be able to make the drive. There was so much sadness and disgust in your voice and now that I think back there was a distinct undertone of "help me" in your sentences.

  I loved dancing with you! there was such a freedom with you! It was like a drug coursing threw my veins..the same threw both of us. We sat on your balcony while you chain smoked your hand rolled cigarettes and I admired your unconcealed pot plants stretching toward the sun...you didn't care if the neighbors saw them. I loved that about you but it was also this kind of freedom and lack of fear that stopped me from telling you i was in love with you. We enjoyed the sun and watched some family picnicking farther across the complex. You told me how you needed to save money and get your shit together. You hadn't been to the dentist in years and it was time to grow up and start taking care of yourself. You told me you had something you wanted to give me and ran down to the queen vic and brought me back these photos you had taken of me and liz a month prior all blown up and i absolutely loved them.

We talked for a few more hours about life, art' and thrifting and it seemed that with each sentece we were finding out how eerily alike we really were. It was starting to get late and I had some stupid obligation to attend of which I cant even remeber now. I gave you a hug and thanked you for the pictures and told you i'd talk to you soon...............................................................................................................................

Carl hated phones and technology for that matter. He hated talking on the phones because he said it wasn't real' you couldn't truly interact with someone that way. Keeping that in mind I fought back my urge to call him even though something inside me strongly kept telling me to.Iit was a Friday, almost two weeks since i had last seen him.

It was a Monday...I was in my room putting stuff away when my phone rang...it was my best friend at the time andrew and I thought he must be checking in on me and seeing how im adjusting to the move. (i answered)."hello"........(he responded quietly and kinda shakey)."uh hey....what are you doing?".......(me)"just putting shit away..... whats wrong?".......(him)."have you heard".....long pause.....(me uneasy) heard what?.........what?....andrew whats going on?......(him shaken up) fuck man, fuck....i dont wanna have to be the one to tell you this......fuck.....(me freeking out) tell me what?! what happened? are you ok? whats going on?!?!?!.....( i signed on to face book in search to find the story he couldnt seem to muster and i found it)....(me)" oh my god... is carl dead???!!"....(him)" im sorry dude. i didnt wanna be the one to tell you im so sorry." (me crying)" what happend? did he get in a drunk driving accident or something. god damn it. it was really only a matter of time. i knew this was gonna happen". ( i had started invisioning the accident and him drunk and dead and then....) (andrew)" fuck"..(with hesitation)....no.... dude......fuck!" (my heart stopped. what the fuck could it have been, my mind was racing) (anderw sadly and slowly)" he killed himslef." (me crying) "WHAT?? HOW????WHEN???!!! are you sure? are you positive? who told you?" (i was in such a state of disbelief i just sat there on the edge of my bed franticly looking around as if i was going to find somesort of answer in the piles of clothes strewn about my room ) (andrew sadly and softly) "he hung himself in his studio dude.... im... im so sorry."

Carl, I miss you so much it hurts. I watched this video of you over and over tonight. i fucking miss you. its been three years and I feel like it hurts more now. maybe its still sinking in... maybe the more I go home and dont see you the more I realize this is real. I just wanna talk to you . I wanna dance with you. I hope where ever you are your safe and happy and whole. I love you Carl where ever you are.

2 in a room but only 1's there

Do you ever feel like someone doesn't wanna be around you? or that they are only being around you out of expectation or obligation? I feel so alone. I have dreams about feeling alone. I wanna have deep conversation....or shit any conversation would be nice. I wanna connect.  Maybe I need to much attention.. I duno I just wanna do things with someone else. I wanna share my life with some one else who I feel like really wants to be there with me having these experiences with me. I go on walks alone, I go shopping alone, I watch tv alone. I want to share my fucking life. Why is that so much to ask for? Don't get my wrong I like doing things alone but whats the point of being with someone else when you feel alone more than half the time. I feel deflated....unwanted...unattractive. i feel like we both feel alone and www._____.com will always be more interesting to you.


"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." ~Robbin Williams

The siren call

I constantly feel like I'm not living the life I was meant to live and I don't know what that means. I can remember these vivid day dreams I would have when I was younger about how I would be and what I would do and my life is quickly punching the time clock and here I am copping feels on other people dreams hearing musicians or seeing people performing and wishing i could just be that honest..that naked...and that true. again.

when the recording ends i get sad. i wanna climb inside it and go back there to that moment. i wanna be that girl again. Who am I now and who are you now. who were we then?  life ends a little every fucking day. I want a fucking refund. or at least slide me some drugs under the table so i can pretend again.



I hope im not the 30 year old quarter back, talkin bout" back in the day....". How sad. I am.

RIP Nana

So my grandma died this morning and think it is really just now starting to hit me. I'm sure I'm gonna be a mess tomorrow and especially at her funeral on Wednesday. I'm just so grateful that she finally is free from her Alzheimers and broken body. I cant imagine being trapped in a body like that... to have your mind and body give out on you long before your heart does is jsut a horribly cruel thing. I cant help but think about my own mortality and my fathers. Dementia and Alzheimer runs in my dads side of the family.This will be the third funeral of a family member Ive been to in the last month. I'm so stressed and emotionally fried. Everyone in this house is. I think me and cory just need a mini get a way to reboot. both of our depression issues and all the bad news we've been getting lately are just consuming. the doctor is starting me on a new anti depressant  so hopefully that will help and cory is going to have a sleep study done so hopefully we can get some answers about whats going on with him. i wanna learn how to meditate and get my mind back under my control.